How to Fight Fair (in Church Battles)
I grew up in a row house in the Italian neighborhood in the city of Trenton, New Jersey. I am the youngest of three brothers, each approximately one year apart in birth order, who, along with my mom and dad, shared one bathroom. While difficult under normal circumstances, sharing that space once all three of us became eligible for the mantle of “teenager” became a source of major contention on many occasions. Especially during high school. . . when classes started at 8:00 AM and the only way to make it out of the house on time—appropriately quaffed, of course—was to get up earlier. . . earlier enough within the competitive demands of limited hot water.
We had to share other “spaces” too—much like most families of multiple siblings. Sometimes sharing was easy, sometimes not. Traversing those pathways of coming-of-age, hormonally charged battles of the will, set each of us up for what Herbert Spencer obviously meant when, in reflection on Charles Darwin’s theories on the origin of species, he referred to the “survival of the fittest.”
But brothers fight. So do sisters. It’s the inevitability of the human family dynamic. Within the constraints of forced coalescence of personality, power exertion, and idiosyncratic behavior patterns, we are invited not only to get along, but to love each other. We’re family, after all.
Even when we were fighting our battles on the home front, I knew that my brothers had my back out in the real world. When challenged, bullied, mocked or threatened, I knew that my brothers would step in as necessary. It was okay for brothers to abuse each other, but not okay for others to do so. We’re family, after all.
Learning how to navigate home-field battles actually prepares us for dealing with battles of personality, power and behavior patterns in the Church. As we mature in our walk of faith, followers of Jesus are meant to hold to the higher standards of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) as we interact with each other; indeed, we are meant to wash each other’s feet (John 13), in imitation of our Lord, Jesus, who didn’t come to be served but to serve. . . and to give His life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). We’re His family, after all.
During conflicts, the integrity of who we are in Christ will be both revealed and challenged by two things: (1) what, specifically, we stand for—and how consistent it is with the gospel of self-sacrificial grace embodied by Jesus, and (2) how, specifically, we stand against those with whom we disagree.
Both tell the story. Both reveal the basis of who we are in Christ. Both reflect on our family’s reputation.
Hopefully both represent well that we are followers of Christ. After all, Jesus made it very clear: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35, italics mine).
So, how do we fight fair—especially in church battles? In addition to following the directions expressed by Jesus in Matthew 18, here are a few pointers to keep before us as we enter into the forays of sharing family “space.”
1. Guard the reputations of those who are sisters and brothers in Christ no matter what. That means when we agree and when we disagree. We are family. There are sufficient dangers out in the world that threaten all that we hold dear. Let’s not make the Church dangerous too. It doesn’t mean that we can’t disagree—even vehemently. It does mean that how we treat one another in the Church must honor the one main command that Jesus gave us. We must refuse to gossip about each other. We must refuse to allow the collusion of our mutual pains to gang up on one another. We must refuse to behave in ways that cross relational, ethical boundaries on our way to hold our brothers and sisters accountable for their behavior.
2. Be honest with our differences, but gentle with one another as we work them out. The Golden Rule may look good when we demand its ethic from others on how they treat us; but it finds its greatest potency when we first seek to live it out ourselves. We live within the temptation of dichotomous thinking—where rules of engagement are applied to others, but not abided by ourselves. For those of us in the midst of the stress of conflict, we become “blind” to seeing the inconsistencies of our own words, attitudes and behaviors; yet others see those inconsistencies as a testimony to the value system by which we identify. On Twitter last night, one of my clergy colleagues proclaimed that we United Methodists should commit ourselves first to “do no harm.” He then proceeded to verbally bash those whose position is more conservative than his own. Pain always makes us feel defensive, which, unchecked by grace, will threaten to pull us away from our core identity in Christ.
3. Focus on creating new options for relating, while we figure out a mutual solution to our conflict. If we believe, truly, that God is Sovereign, then we must realize that the greater test of character for God’s people is not just in how the conflict is resolved, but in how we treat each other on the way towards resolving it. This is the fundamental final exam of our discipleship. Do we understand Christianity 101 before we matriculate to Christianity 201? 301? 401? Moralistic approaches, social justice approaches, doctrinal purity approaches, in and of themselves, become arenas within which the greater testing of discipleship character occurs. Not everything is as it appears. What does it mean when we stand with the marginalized by marginalizing others? What does it mean for us to promote diversity and pluralism when we do so by verbally degrading those who disagree with us? What does it mean for us to demand conformity to policies without addressing the broken systems that have put them in place? What does it mean for us to demand rights and privileges while we serve a Lord who paradoxically defined ethical life in the Kingdom of God in opposite terms?
Life is not meant to be perceived solely in linear fashion, but in a grandly expanding mosaic. There are always possibilities, many of which have yet to be designed. Rather than remaining polarized by our defensive posturing and positioning, let’s get the paint out and start creating new options.
We’re family, after all.